my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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