I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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