In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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