your parents love me but you hate me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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