I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
