I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
