I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
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I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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