remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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