Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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