I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
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Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I touched a dick in church today
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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