In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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