did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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