One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
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My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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