I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
