The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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