I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i may or may not be watching the land before time
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
