I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
