I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
