If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize