idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
