I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
