the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
