i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
