I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
