Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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