i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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