So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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