I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
