it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
