If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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