I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
