On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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