well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
