I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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