apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
