So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
