I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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