I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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