I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My liver just had a heart attack.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
