And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
