Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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