I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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