New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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