i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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