Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
