Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
