i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
