birth control should be required to get into college
The beer is more important than you right now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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