My first STD was from a foam party
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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