So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Randomize
