Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
