THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
