Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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