Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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