the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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