I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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